As the divorce rate in the United States continues to hover around 50 percent, many couples are considering what’s known as a collaborative divorce process when they come to the conclusion that reconciliation is unlikely.

“Too many couples have emerged from a divorce bankrupt, angry, and bitter,” said Harriett Fox, CPA (www.harriettfoxcpa.com). “Many of these parents have neglected their children and have actually used them as bargaining chips in a process that hurts all of those involved.”

Fox is well-versed in family law and divorce proceedings as a leading forensic accountant with additional specialties in civil and commercial litigation.

She and her collaborative divorce colleagues see this process as a better way to deal with a very unpleasant experience – that of a divorce.

“Many parents enter the divorce process with the best of intentions,” said Fox. “They hope to maintain a semblance of civility and a commitment to maintain the family unit while acknowledging that it will be different for them and their children.

“But frequently the best intentions fall by the wayside, replaced by efforts to embarrass and destroy each other. Ultimately, it is the children who suffer.”

On paper a collaborative divorce makes sense. It involves both adults agreeing to negotiate terms of a martial settlement with the assistance of collaboratively trained professionals. They also agree to pursue an out-of-court settlement and treat each other with civility, transparency, and respect.

“This process, while making sense, doesn’t always work,” said Fox. “Divorce often brings out the worst in people. However, it can work with the right attitudes of all parties.”

So, when does it not work?

“It’s unlikely that the collaborative process will work in a high-conflict divorce,” said Fox. “Professionals should be able to see this at the outset. Spouses will be angry, point fingers, and play the blame game. They also will have a winner-takes-all mentality.

“If these issues are obvious, it’s likely that the divorce will head to the court room.”

When does it work?

“The collaborative process can be very effective with parents who can look beyond infidelities, over-the-top spending, and other issues,” she said. “They have agreed that the marriage must end, but not at the expense of financial security and the safety of their children.”

When choosing a collaborative divorce, the couple commits to using the process throughout the divorce. The incentive to do so is strong. If the collaborative process falls apart, the professionals involved cannot be part of the litigation, and new professionals must be hired. Starting the divorce process over from the beginning is a major deterrent for most people.

Fox points out that the cost of a collaborative divorce is usually less expensive than one that results in a court case. It can also take less time. But the best outcome is that the parents learn to communicate effectively, and to treat each other with the civility, transparency, and respect that they want to model for their children.

“Once parents realize that children are a precious gift, these strategies become easier to implement,” added Fox.

And she reminds parents that “every arrow shot to your ex, goes through your child’s heart.”

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